2.2.98

Had a banner mail day. Got a small package (full of Glide Dental Floss by Gore - the best floss on the planet), two personal letters (one from my friend Renée and the other from my uncle Kerry), and three tax documents from various banking/investment institutions. Wow. OK: (L-R) Eric, Mary, Wayne, and Suzie. Dogs: (L-R) Kira (sp?) and Smoke.

At the moment, I feel happy. I accomplished every single thing (almost) that I set out to do today. The best achievement was the workout. I feel totally and completely refreshed, not to mention clean after the post-workout shower. For some reason this month feels like a new beginning, like the beginning of last month did marking the new year. Well, I guess it is a new year, the lunar one. But I think mostly it feels fresh and new because it feels like Spring. (What's that soap? Irish Spring.) It is still too cold, but the sun is moving higher in the sky and the shadows and color of the light are that of Spring. New beginnings. I like the idea of starting over. A clean slate. (Even though I hate change). Bah. So it was a really good day to be outside and I listened to Opus 3. One song says something like: The centuries going back to zero…I am the future, I am the coming force, mother nature will take no other course…when you made the mountain, you made me. I left out a bunch of stuff, but the gist is there. Whenever I hear the part about "centuries going back to zero" I shiver like only music can make you do. And it’s because in that moment I realize that I was fortunate enough to be born not only on the cusp of a century, but a millenium. Wow. Pff. Of course, I know that dates are arbitrary, but in the annals of human timekeeping, it’s still a big fucking deal and barring any terminal illness or random plane crash or reckless truck driver, I get to live it. That is just so cool. AND, I won’t even be 30 yet when it happens. Hooo. I really hope I’m still alive then. I spose chances are I will be, but… My G-ma just had another carcinoma - unrelated to any cancer she’s had before or currently battling - excised from her cheek. How many cancers does this add up to? Is her experience with cancer genetic? Or does her life span the most toxic decades in human history? Maybe the most toxic are yet to come? Maybe I am affected too and am too young to realize the impact. Both my maternal uncle and aunt had skin cancer. Then there’s my mom. Got one uncle who as yet has never had some kind of cancer, but I suspect he’ll get skin cancer in the next decade or so. I saw a movie on TV not too long ago with Meg Ryan and one of the Baldwins (the one married to Kim Basinger). In the movie, Meg’s character’s soul somehow switches bodies with an old guy. The old guy, in the young body, slathers on sunscreen and swears off alcohol. Man, wouldn’t you if you had the foresight? Not like anyone can be held responsible for the cognitive capabilities of an adolescent or child and crimes they commit against themselves. Even as young or middle-aged adults we all abuse ourselves because we cannot imagine the diminished capacity of aging. I feel myself aging. Sounds freaky coming from someone who’s 26, but man, I know it’s happening. I see moles I didn’t have. My skin is taking on a different texture. I mean, it’s like I looked at my skin one day and realized it was different. My left knee, injured 2 or 3 years ago, hurts if I walk down steep grades. I think of those bad sunburns I had as a teenager: The first from a field trip to Vancouver for the World’s fair when I was 14, the next from reflective snow on a mountain climb when I was 15, an finally another from climbing when I was 16. Blister city on my head and shoulders. How about all those summers as a child when I ran around in the sun with nothing but a bathing suit on? My mom used to enjoy my brownness; she thought I was cute. No doubt I’ll pay later. What about all that red meat, butter, lard, etc. I devoured as a child? That’s the diet little girls who grow up to get breast cancer are made of. Didn’t you know? Well, I know NOW. Little good it does me… Ahhh, but it did feel totally excellent to be outside. If it weren’t dark I might go back out. The bus was fun as always. I bought a bunch of cokes and these totally cool teeny cans of chocolate drink (I don’t think it’s moo). I had to mail a package at the post office and even the women there were nice to me. One even smiled. *shocking!* I picked up four of the six roles of film we dropped off on Saturday. They were expensive but the color was brilliant on the roll I took. (Must distinguish between Dave’s "throw away" cameras and my 35mm film.) I looked at them while crammed into the tiny seat behind the driver on the bus. I couldn’t help smiling, remembering all the things we’d done, seeing the places again in two dimensional fineness, and feeling happy at the processing. One photo, taken when we were home in September made me laugh out loud. Other passengers probably wondered what my problem was. Ha! At first I thought the picture was supposed to be of two dogs. I thought Dave took the picture of the dogs because he thought they were cute. But then I was distracted by the headless human bodies in the background. Looking at them, I saw that they appeared to be posing. Hahahaha! They all got cut off and it’s hilarious because I know all these people and just the idea of them posing and their heads getting chopped off makes me bust up. I still think Dave took the picture.

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