2.1.98

Dave "voice" chatted with a friend in Vancouver BC whom he has never met in person. He said his favorite thing about it was hearing the laughter.

Cleaned house today. A virtual spring cleaning, I spose. I re-did the index page and got rid of some parts of the site whose presence were bugging me. Pieces that weren’t really in use and seemed stagnating from my lack of attention. I felt embarrassed whenever I noticed someone had visited those spots; I’m glad they’re gone. But, you know, I can never throw anything out. I’m such a damn packrat and it annoys the hell out of me. So, of course, I made copies of everything on floppy, just in case I want them again someday… I hope to spend a little more time working on the little list of things I want to do for the site. I always feel like I’m the total end of the rat race (geez, another rodent reference) when it comes to authoring skill. How can people continue to master new technology and still have jobs, social lives, etc.? I’m amazed and think that maybe I just take longer to do everything because it seems I can only really do a few things a day. Living in solitary confinement without a job is hard on my self-esteem. No structure and no goals to achieve and say I’m done. Only benchmarks I set for myself that receive no public recognition if met or unmet. My own opinions around accomplishment or the lack thereof don’t seem valid. "Other’s" is more important. I think that’s normal, but little consolation for me now. Takes a lot of effort to materialize the things I’ve accomplished in the last 2 years. I know I’ve learned a lot. That’s something - a big thing. But it is not quantifiable in terms that matter like publication or pay increase. How can I say I learned a lot, you’ll just have to take my word for it? Because other people don’t value the intangible, it is hard for me to value it also. Yet I do persist in valuing it. The process of learning to me is one of the most exciting and exhilarating experiences. Doesn’t matter what it is; it could be something so small as learning a new bus route or something bigger like a new theory on human behavior. All contributes to wisdom and though I despise change, in some weird way I welcome the experience that brings new knowledge. It is the best part of getting older I think. Sometimes I wonder what I will know and how I will view the world when I’m, say, 50. What will I be like? Dave and I visited the Seoul Arts Center today. There is a Chinese History exhibit there now that promises to be interesting. Promises. Korean museums are a joke, at least nearly every one I’ve been to has been. And it’s such a sad statement on the culture. Anyway, we didn’t see the exhibit because there was a line a mile long just to buy tickets and then another line to get in to see the exhibit. I can’t believe people were actually standing in line. We didn’t. We will go back another day, early in the morning when it opens. Why torture ourselves, eh? We were there so we decided to walk around the center a bit. There is an area with three large buildings set aside for Korean traditional music. Two of the large multi-storied buildings were closed. The one that was open had displays of traditional Korean drums and a few other instruments on the first floor. All other floors were empty. Empty!! It really reminded me of something you’d hear about happening in North Korea. There are always reports of big buildings standing empty up there. As I thought that, I looked out across the city at all the office buildings mostly empty. To me, it looks like people built without thinking they may not be able to get tenants. So many buildings have "for rent" banners hanging from them, yet construction continues unabated. Is that what happened at the museum? Did they just build without realizing they couldn’t fill it? Or did they build and then fail to appropriate funding for exhibits? Always always always, appearance is more important than substance. I will never like this about Korean culture. While not as blatant as the "appearance" of largeness attempted by vacant structures in North Korea, the motive and outcome are still the same, yes?

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