1.21.98

Remember those two world wars in the first half of this century? You know - the ones many scholars attribute to the world "shedding" the vestiges of it’s former feudal/agrarian self into an industrial/bureacratic one? Well, it occurred to me that the most significant result of all that destruction was a change in fashion. Governments may be bigger, but most still seem to have monarchist characteristics. There’s democracies scattered here and there, but even a lot of those reek of dictatorship or dynastic succession. Even communism -- especially communism: it’s almost like they just traded in their clothes and nothing else changed from the feudal days. But everywhere you go in the world that was somehow altered by those wars, you can see people wearing the same drab industrial clothing (even in conjunction with their traditional garb). Just a weird thought I had on the train today. I was coming home from Ewha around 4pm when all the old folks were commuting too. I was thinking maybe they were getting their traveling out of the way before rush hour. Bad for me, ‘cause the old people always get to sit down. I don’t feel that great about my visit to Ewha today. I almost never feel good. I like doing the reading, I like the learning, but I don’t feel smart enough. There is so much I don’t know about the many cultures of the world. When I’m in contact with people who’ve got not only more experience traveling, but also experience from research and conferences, I feel really naïve. I am naïve. I keep trying hard to turn off my American/Christian-based point of view so that I can really see. My life is so easy in the States and having that luxury means I don’t have to know the rest of the world because the rest of the world knows me. Ahh, I don’t want to write about this right now. I can see where this is going because I just started reading a paper about transcapitalism, American hegemony, colonialism, blah, blah. There is truth in anti-American sentiment. We should listen. What I want more to talk about is fear of failure. The lethargy I struggle with daily and how I always fear it will get the best of me; I want to accomplish my goals but that wall of indolence is there every day. I’ve been feeling depressed the last few days at that struggle. I haven’t wanted to write about it, not wanted to deal with it. Nothing. Instead, I just think of the days turning into years and how my life feels out of control because time is passing and there is no clear path forward. It’s like being on a rollercoaster and closing your eyes because it is too scary. Soon, the ride is over but the experience was numbed by not seeing. Only, in my life the experience is numbed by not doing. This situation I’m in, this environment, it feeds this terrible flaw. I knew it would. I told Dave before I decided to move that I was afraid to live someplace where I had no clear direction. I told him I knew that too much unstructured time would find me doing nothing for three years. At the time I wanted to study Korean language. I decided to pursue it full-time and structure my days with obligations to others and not me, the only contracts I seem to have no trouble honoring. When I discovered I really wasn’t interested in spending money to learn Korean, I fell comfortably into the foretold rut. I suspect that the laziness is part of a larger problem: anxiety. I feel myself getting anxious at bedtime. I calm myself by thinking I don’t have to "do" anything tomorrow. The stress of structure, of obligation - no matter how slight, makes me want to procrastinate the bedtime preparation ritual. Anxiety. Recently that word has been popping up in conversations with others and thoughts to myself. Never really thought of myself as an anxious person. On the contrary, I’ve always thought of myself as unusually relaxed. But I’m thinking maybe all of that, and the excessive laziness, was an elaborate scheme cooked up by my brain in order to cope with all that anxiety….

future past index