1.20.98

Been having second thoughts about what I wrote yesterday. Every so often I consider taking it down. I realize that what I expressed there makes me feel more vulnerable than other things I’ve revealed that are also very personal to me. Listening to the voice that tells me I can just take it down, I see how deep and sensitive - and bruised - my emotions are concerning my g-ma and my family. I really feel afraid of expressing feelings that my family might use against me. Terrible to have that fear, methinks. I’m sure that if it were brought up I would hear the same stuff I’ve heard before: "Everyone cared for you and wanted to do what’s best for you." Or, "Since when has anyone ‘used your feelings against you?’" Uh, yeah. Want a list? Normal for people to be defensive I guess. Normal - common - for such things to remain unresolved within families. Anyway, no one has said anything yet. I’m not even sure who of the gene pool checks in here. I know of one relative for sure and the folks from that household are people I feel close to. OK, time to move on. In the history of the world, there is this Hollander named Hamel who found himself, along with some of his crew mates, shipwrecked and held captive in Korea for 13 years. He escaped, wrote a journal, and earned his footnote in history by being the first person to introduce Korea to the West. His journal is still around and has been translated into English. It’s interesting stuff for those of us living here. You know, the stuff he observes that we still observe today. You get this overwhelming feeling that little has changed in a few centuries (culturally/morally speaking). The publication is centuries old, yet when I read it I understand the cultural quirks. It’s trippy. I’m writing about this because someone posted to a newsgroup, where I linger, inquiring about the location of the town where Hamel stayed during his captivity on the peninsula. Well hot-diggity-dog! I been there! So I replied, and for the last few days I’ve been talking with two men from the Netherlands who have an avid interest in Hamel. One of them Henny, has this totally comprehensive Hamel site. I spent too much time there yesterday reading about Hamel’s journey. It’s just cool to be able to share info like that. Most foreigners in Korea seem content to spew on about their expertise on the culture, the economy etc. PFF! As if. Just a nice change to exchange real information. Dave brought home this CD with all the cool arcade games from the early, early 80’s. Burger Time. Ms. Pac Man. 1942. Haha - Frogger. Love Frogger. I’m gonna play some now. [mucho later] I was supposed to go to Ewha today but bagged out. It’s inhumanely cold outside and snowed most of the morning. I called and said I’d be in tomorrow. Not that the snow is any good excuse. I ride the train all the way in and the walk on either side is not any kind of marathon. Still, I didn’t want to go out and freeze, travel, etc. What I discovered during my shut-in is that my video game playing skills have improved considerably since I was 10 or 11. All of the old games I played seemed so easy. Residual skills remaining after piles of quarters and countless hours on Atari? Or has advancing technology inherently increased the difficulty level? These old games typically only need a joystick and maybe one fire button. Games these days have several fire buttons, difficult maneuvers executed by swift joystick "routines". Maybe kids growing up with the newest technology of video gaming will have some sort of edge over those of us in the first generation. *smirk* Heh. First generation video game player and computer owner. Last night I proofread a totally captivating paper that attempts to form a new Buddhist feminist theory. It was SO long and took hours to get all the way through, but it was very well done and thought-provoking. Buddhism itself is hard for me to grasp. That whole notion of "nothing neither exists nor does not exist." I’m still reading that book on Darwinism; Buddhism and evolutionary theory seem about as polarized as two philosophies can get. You know? Makes for some interesting mixing of synaptic juices in my brain. Making tortillas for dinner. Ooo.

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