10.31.97

Trick or Treat!

Been feeling low the last two days. I think I felt it beginning Wednesday, but I didn’t really realize it until yesterday morning when I felt like I couldn’t (didn’t want to) crawl out of bed. I did manage to get up, but I only made it to the computer and then to the TV where I stayed until I had to get ready to meet Riki, which was around 3pm or so. With Electronic’s Raise the Pressure in my ears - my favorite album of ’96 - and the cold air against my face, I felt immediately better but not exactly normal. So, it was hard to match Riki’s energy level all night and I found myself just sort of going along with whatever came up. She is frantically running around getting ready to leave the country. Thus she has too many errands and activities scheduled than are humanly possible to complete with any sense of experience. We were going to see art in Insa-dong, but she had to make phone calls, pick up things, etc. I felt aggravated that she couldn’t immerse herself in the things displayed in the windows. Instead, she seemed more interested in telling the saga of her life, much like your friends did in high school. There are different levels at which a culture can be appreciated. I’m interested in learning tradition, Riki enjoys modernity. I decided, when I started writing this, to put Raise the Pressure in the cd player because of how good it made me feel yesterday. Now I’m realizing that I really should have gone for a walk today with this blasting in my ears. I was wrong about this being my favorite album of ’96; it’s my favorite, period. Today I decided not to wake up. I was awake at 7:30 and then sank deeper into the blankets with the knowledge that I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything. The morning email ritual drew me out around 8:30 or so, but after that and reading some journals I retreated again to bed where I stayed until around eleven when Dave called to see what was up. Nothing was up except me, recently, which was his fault. He apologized and we chatted awhile. I was up then and it was still early afternoon so I took advantage of the time and headed out to the grocery store for some fuel. I bought a pumpkin for Dave to carve tonight - now we both have one. Feeling low is always a good excuse to eat badly so I bought a box of (sh)lonx and I’ve already eaten two of the atrociously long and thick velvety chocolate cakes with the creamy marshmallow center. Phallic chocolate. Clever. Somebody is a genius. I’ve already eaten two. Watched TV for awhile and read more email. I think I even wrote a few. Then back to bed where I couldn’t even imagine anything could ever feel better than that softness surrounding me. I pulled the covers up over my head so that even the skin on my face could indulge in soft warmth underneath the comforter. I particularly like lying on my side with the blankets filling that space between my arms and legs and adding extra cushioning on top of the pillow for my head. I feel like I’m surrounded by clouds. It’s a place where I’m no longer a participant in the world, just a an actor in my head. I always fall asleep, an even further removal. I think it’s an identity thing. Every once in awhile I start to question my perception of myself as woman, as beautiful. It is so important to feel beautiful, yet I don’t seem to feel that way unless someone else thinks so. That’s not so unusual, even though people tell you that you have to feel good about yourself without others’ input. They’re wrong. What’s that Psych theory about how people only know about themselves based upon interactions with others? Well, whatever it’s named, I believe it’s true. Therefore, to believe I’m beautiful, I need direct feedback indicating that as fact from others. Well, that kind of thing doesn’t happen as much as it used to. BUT even receiving such compliments doesn’t mean I’ll feel good so maybe my days for depression are just coming around. (Come on, you know you get depressed sometimes for no reason too. Just admit it.) As it happens, I had two good compliments yesterday. First, Riki and I were talking about how most foreigners we meet here are unusually unattractive, particularly the men. She said she was happy when she met me and saw that I was cute. That’s pretty damn nice of her to say. Later, when I got home, I was telling Dave about this odd Korean guy who was following Riki and me. Seems that he only entered the store so he could stand about 10 feet away and just stare. When we left, he left too and followed us for a ways. I would’ve been really creeped out if we had been in the States. (Boo!) Dave says, "That’s the price you pay for being a beautiful woman." Of course, I immediately denied any connection to the state of being beautiful and we got in a two second you are/am not type thing. What am I? An idiot? Last night I had a dream that I was in some sort of beauty contest. I guess I was in Korea because most of the other contestants were Korean and we were in some building that seemed like a little Korean hole-in-the-wall restaurant. The chairs were uncomfortable. The contest must have been for one guy; that is, we were all competing for this guy. He was someone I don’t know, a faceless handsome man. *shrug* Oh, but he was White and American. So all of us (the women) sat around and he got to choose which one of us he liked best by ranking us on little note cards. The cards came back to us with his rankings and I saw that I was number 8. It felt like there were about 10 people in the room. I guess that made me definitely worse than average and I remember in the dream feeling confident that I would score higher, if not No. 1, and felt really depressed when I saw the actual results. I woke up this morning (7:30am, remember) feeling ugly. See? I didn't need a scary costume today.

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