7.6.99

Time keeps flying. I haven't even told you about the blue movie Joan and I rented. Well, I did write some about it but the narrative became too wieldy to complete. The gist is that I had never watched a pornographic movie from beginning to end. I was curious, of course, but it was not the least titillating; in the end, I found it disturbing. The objectification, how it looked like watching surgery on TV, the fake bodies -- it all got to me. While we were in the store choosing one, we giggled at first, but then fell into silence. Soon all the unnatural positions and freakishly disproportionate appendages began to look like pictures of war dead: bodies unwhole and contorted, unable to maintain symmetry. The concept of escalation in response to desensitization became clear reality. Where will it end and how does it change the way people relate to each other sexually? Clearly these films are made to cater to male fantasies; what proportion of men in this society expect sex to be like this? If men learn to fuck from these images, no wonder so many women are dissatisfied. It's not people, just parts. I worked a lot last week, almost double what I usually do. What that translates to is "full-time". I've started carrying a book with me wherever I go because I want to get through them more quickly. Now I'm reading at every spare moment. And I've got The Unbearable Lightness of Being in the bathroom, which I'm content to read slowly by each single-page chapter. The second reading. I'm taken in by the way Kundera illustrates his philosophical ideas, develops characters with such acuity of human disposition. I dislike the sexist bias, the ruminations on female anatomy. We never learn the shape of Tomas' penis or what he thinks of it, but must endure paragraphs devoted to descriptions of women's bodies. I passed a leisurely three-day weekend, independent (for the most part) from other people. Independence Day, right? See, I'm right on target with this. Saturday I stayed in bed reading for most of the day. Late in the evening I sought a veggie burger and chocolate shake, which I took up to Magnolia to devour before the setting sun. Saturday I drove home in the festive hour, bottle rockets spewing on either side of me as if in celebration of my passing. Today back to the bed with the book, this time with a Dr. Pepper and a bag of chips.

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