2.18.98

Went to the antique store today, saw the cabinet I wanted, pointed out some booboos that needed fixing, and paid for the thing. They are delivering it tomorrow, but were unable to give me an exact time so they said they'd call first. Yeah. Right.

Did ya see the Korean speed skaters totally take gold yesterday? I did. Found myself cheering and teary eyed. Man, I hate this ongoing conflict between affection and animosity for Korea. When will it end? Have I just not been here long enough? How long does it take? Five years before I could totally feel a sense of uri nada? I won’t be here that long. This place will always be a part of me. Hangul appears as normal as English now. Forever after, I will feel connected. News about Korea and Koreans will draw more of my attention. When Koreans win gold, I will be happy - I know how important the Olympics are to them. It’s a weird kind of adopted patriotism. I’m surprised, but also happy to feel such good feelings instead of the usual, tiring annoyedness. --Uhh. I’m not thinking well because I’m tired. Catherine and John dropped off the TV, VCR, and rug I bought from them. I’ve been cleaning, lying on the floor untangling TV and component wires, pushing around the rug, etc. Somehow all of that made me feel really dizzy and fatigued.-- So I was wondering if I were to live in other foreign countries if I would develop the same sort of adopted patriotism. Or is this something special to the first expatriate experience? They say the first posting is the hardest, and I suppose if that is true than the affection one feels for the first place is more poignant too. I will always compare things to Korea. Koreans use metal chopsticks did ya know that? They use wooden ones in China and Japan (and none in Thailand). The metal ones are very thin and slippery, but once mastered all other kinds are easier to use. I prefer the metal ones to wooden ones because when made of silver with in-laid lacquer they are more beautiful than any silverware I’ve ever seen. I’m saying this because I think I will always prefer Korean chopsticks to those used in other cultures most likely because I lived here, but most importantly, because I was here first. I feel myself developing empathy even through the disliking. I like that. I live for empathic connections in my life. This kind of connection really makes me want to live in another country where I can learn about that culture and develop empathy there too. It seems that expatriates are the best advocates for peace, yes? Possibly, depends on the experiences I spose. If you were caned in Singapore, you might not be such an advocate for the culture. But I never really even considered it before. I was always content in my fantasy to return to the US and stay put. But now, I think I’d like to live overseas again, maybe when I’m older and have more of my career aspirations under my belt. Still, if Dave were offered a job in Japan or Australia at the end of the contract, I’d say let’s go! (I think.) Either of those places would be an exciting experience, but significantly easier on my American-conditioned soul. Sometimes it’s hard to think about how much the decision to live here will affect the rest of my life. I’ve changed a lot now, obviously, but I think the more profound effects will be revealed later, in the US. I have Korean furniture, a taste for Korean food - hell I can cook it!, and I can speak a little bit of Korean. How many white folks can say that? Not many. I’m glad the Koreans kicked ass in Speed Skating. And they did it with such skill. First Kim Dongsung stretching his foot forward across the line, surprising, I’m sure, the Chinese guy who thought he had it. Kim wanted it more. And the women: That maneuver at the last curve before the last hand-off - brilliant. I was watching it on NHK (the Japanese channel). Nice to watch the Koreans win on Japanese turf; it was such a sweet victory for them. Don’t you think CBS’ coverage of the Olympics sucks? Over here, their morning show is on during prime time, while their prime time is on in the afternoon. In the evening it’s unbearable to sit through all the commercials when I can watch events totally commercial-free on either the Korean or Japanese channels. I watched all of the Atlanta Olympics and the coverage was much, much better. Do you think it has to do with the time difference? The location, i.e., not on US soil? Definitely, there’s overkill on corporate sponsorship. It’s all about money. I dont’ think I’m going to be able to tolerate US TV when I move back. Even during home leave I get really annoyed by the length and frequency of commercial breaks. At first it’s not so bad because the commercials are so sophisticated and entertaining, but they get old quick. And so many choices in the States. I’m beginning to think the transition back to the land of saturation will be more difficult than I thought. All of my choices are limited in Korea and I kind of like having to "go without" for some things. It’s easier to save money and the sheer desire to own everything has waned. Even the choice of people is smaller and I have this feeling of being more significant. When I return there will be masses of people just like me and making contacts will be more difficult because I am no different than anyone else. Won’t life get boring having a Barnes & Noble on every corner? Vegan Burritos just down the street? The land of my dreams, everything I could ever want, and I realize just how easy it is to slip back into taking it all for granted and how with all of that available I can still feel bored. Man, I sure hope I can remember how limited I am in all of my choices and how living is more difficult - though more interesting - because of it. I mean, just to get Catherine’s going away present was a far out cultural experience: bouncing off people in the market; filing past stacks and stacks of flowers; then stacks and stacks of pans in a maze of narrow walkways where murky water drips and flows over grimy, residue laden concrete; the air is full of sounds made in a language I don’t understand, transposed against the relentless roar of a city of 11 million. How can going to the mall ever be as wild as that?

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