2.12.98

I don't know The older I get The less I feel I don't know What I want I don't know What is real from Real? by Cause&Effect

8.45am My inbox is full. I have to scroll to see all the messages. I don’t feel like writing back, only reading more; I have this perpetual urge to just keep hitting the "check mail" button. But there is nothing more there for me and Dave’s email is boring, for the most part - I know, I’ve read it. Guess I’ll just have to write to get more. 11:50am Ok, I did all the emailing I can handle today. … Now I’m sitting here wanting some interaction, as if I should already be receiving more mail. There’s no one to call - I already called Dave. Oo, I thought of someone to call, but I want to wait now because I just discovered there’s Downhill Skiing on TV. It’s making me anxious, which is not so good because I keep thinking about a piece of furniture I saw yesterday that is sure to sell if I don’t buy it, but I can’t go there today and can’t go there over the weekend and, ah well, it could be gone by next week. This is stressful. 1:30pm I called the people at the antique place. They are going to call me back (so they say) when the owner shows up in an hour. Heh. We’ll see. I have a feeling I’ll be calling tonight. Checked email again, hoping for something exciting, engaging, reality numbing. It didn’t happen. Something weird is going on in the mental stew. Seems I’m experiencing a big gap between reality and the mental dream world I inhabit when I’m not doing something with other people or something that takes total control of the senses like TV or the computer. Right now, the intangible seems almost real and I have to remind myself that it isn’t. Like I’m thinking about something and then realize that it’s largely irrelevant to anything going on in the things I have to deal with now or in the near future. Need an example to break out of the abstraction? Well, sometimes I think a lot about what I want to do during my next trip to the US. I get all these elaborate fantasies cooked up about the sequence of activities, very specific events or items that I want to buy. It becomes real, like it’s now. Then it’s like my head gets sucked out of that realm back to the real which is so mundane and uninteresting (even though it’s not, but comparatively it is) and I just have to deal with that. I have to deal with that! The dissonance is extreme enough, and the time spent not doing anything in the real long enough, that sometimes the reality seems more fake than the fantasy. (If only holodecks really existed. I'm sure I'd be an addict. Hey - why don't they ever talk about that propensity for addiction on Star Trek or one of it's spawn? Aaah, maybe they have. It's not like I've seen every episode; I'm not addicted to that.) Then, the circles - as one friend calls them - begin. If the fantastic is more real than the reality then what else of my perception is not a reflection of the truth? Like, I always picture myself in my mind to be about 30 pounds lighter than I am. Seriously. I’m forever making fashion errors because I think I’ll look better in clothes than I actually do. Once someone said that if you picture yourself a certain way you will become it. That’s a load of crap! I’ve been picturing myself svelte for years and nothing changes. I’ve also pictured myself a race car driver, a fast downhill skier, a soccer player, and I can’t remember what else. Well, I’m none of those things, but the fantasy sure was convincing. I wish some of the energy in my mind could subsidize the drought of it in my - heh - agency. 6:00pm Got the urge to do a lot of cleaning today; that’s one wave I gotta ride when it comes my way. It was so strong that I actually scrubbed the kitchen floor. Whoa! Maybe it has something to do with the impending Spring. I don’t know. Dave’s family is coming to visit for a week in April and I know I definitely want them to think we keep things clean all the time. I guess I got that on the brain, but usually it’s not enough to make me proactive. I called the antique people when it was clear they weren’t going to call me. They’re pretty sure they know which piece I want. They’ve tagged it as sold and they’re going to ship it up to their Seoul store so I can double-check it on Monday. Wooo! 8:15pm Soojaebee for dinner at our friendly neighborhood place. Mmmm! Had it for lunch yesterday at a place that is sorta famous for it, I guess - that's what Catherine said. I didn't think it was as good as our neighborhood place. Tonight, through Dave Mr. Hangul-man, I told them their sujaebee was the best and that totally opened the floodgates with questions about what other places served, was it as good, blah, blah. I had a good time. The three women who run the place are really nice. They talk a lot with us - well Dave, I just catch pieces - they serve us special food. Very nice people. You gotta appreciate the people you feel comfortable around in Korea. It seems so many people are only nice because they want something from you and when they don't get it they can be ruthless in trying to get it anyway. So I really appreciate them and love their food. Tonight we pack for our ski trip. We leave tomorrow early. Dave called a while ago sounding panicky about the money. How much will we need for lift tickets, rental? He worried: All the places will only take cash! Well the hotel takes credit, the rest may very well need cash. Looks like we’ll be carrying a brick of bills up there. It’s gonna be cool.

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