I'm baffled by the day. Really. It started so well and then crashed horribly. I thought about what it would look like to write it here; thought it would be redundant because lately each day seems characterized by severe swings between good and bad. I don't want to say mood swings, though that is clearly going on. It seems to involve much more, like luck and fate too. It's all so barely contained, these shifts in my mood. I hide it under stern pleasantness. Lucky for you, destructive to me. It went like this:

Six in the morning I was up shuffling around in the dark. Woman of the house up too, surprisingly. As she is a chatterbox and I happen to love good chatter, we were talking about the best of all possible things, sex, before the sandman had hardly gone. It wasn't just sex - it ended up there: we started with vaginal weirdness and yeast infections. Nice eh?

Someone proofreading a very rough draft of my statement of purpose returned it to me with broad recommendations. At first I was OK with that, but later I realized it had been slowly whittling away at my ailing self-esteem and by darkness I was feeling pretty bad about the whole thing. Primary suggestion: shorter sentences with less fluff. It wasn't told to me in that way, but that's the gist.

I thought the rest of the morning went well. I had an exceptionally good workout. Willie even came over to speak to me. He's the Fitness Director and some kind of amazing individual whose personality really establishes the atmosphere of the place. I enjoy his kindness every single day; I told him so recently. Today he said he likes to make a point of speaking to me but I look so busy and he is busy too so he doesn't do it as often as he likes. I know what he means. I'm focused when I'm working out, more focused than when engaged in any other activity except driving in solitude. Those are the only two times when my mind is totally free and clear. The only times. I look busy because I am focused. (It's because my body is running some simple task in the background. A strange thing, as if the body is a distraction to thought - a child nagging at its mother. Quick give it a toy!) I wish I could achieve that level of concentration when it really mattered.

Late morning I was at the Public Safety Building contesting a parking ticket. I was excited to go through the process since I've never thought that going to court for a parking ticket was even remotely worth it. Usually I think I lose more money in time lost than the cost of the fine. But this time, it was worth it. I was just running up to move the car when the woman was writing the ticket. She told me I should request a court date because she had noted my arrival on the scene and most likely a judge would dismiss it. She was right: the fine was dismissed and I was happy.

Then I drove over to lunch where I did something completely asinine: I parked at a meter and then didn't pay. I was trying out a place Joan (woman of the house) recommended to me that was very near where Bluejack works, so I invited him too. He also didn't remember to pay alms to the meter, but he's not the driver and isn't expected to concern himself with such things. One important thing about to mention is that all morning, knowing full well that I was going to court to contest a parking ticket, I had this feeling I was going to get ticketed. I had to park dubiously while at the gym and while at court so I just knew that today I would get nabbed. I was elated when I returned to the car after court to see there wasn't a purple and white envelope under the windshield wiper. Then I drove to the other end of downtown, parked, and walked right into the restaurant without even noticing the meters, even though just minutes earlier I had been wondering if I had enough quarters for the machine. I think I made it happen by listening to my worry. That's the only reasonable answer. When I saw the ticket I could only laugh. I mean, I was only downtown so late in the morning because I was trying not to pay $20 for parking. Now I have to pay it anyway.

When can I get off this rollercoaster?