Thursday night

They’re gone.

Last night, this morning, I was all prepared to write a big long complaint list but now, when it’s just the two of us again, I feel lonely and there is a large vacancy in our apartment. Already I’m overlooking things that annoyed and made me angry the last few days.

I abdicated control of the household and by the end of the visit, the system was working well. Every time I turned around the dishes had been washed again, or the towels, or the bedding had been put away. I was a kid again in my own home, which had its advantages but left guilt behind too. But then, I had no choice: To resist having my house taken over would’ve meant untold fury, which I would’ve absorbed passively like some malignant cell turning against itself. Most of the time I took refuge in the office or my bedroom. I thought it odd that none of the guests ventured into the office to play on the computer. Good for us I guess; I often ran into Dave there, taking refuge also.

Actually, I’m confused. I have all these feelings of wanting intimacy with people, with family and friends. Yet, I’ve hardly seen anyone whom I consider to be close to me in two years. I miss them and the closeness seems lost. When Dave’s family came, it was supposed to be a refill, but having them in the house in a foreign country convoluted all that, adding tension where there should’ve just been good love. It’s the foreign country part that throws every thing off kilter. People do strange things: They become afraid to eat the food; they are uncomfortable and trust no one; they become inflexible precisely when they need to be the most easygoing. They didn’t trust us and they wanted everything to revolve around them and their daily schedule, right down to regular shits - I swear. I did feel a lot of anger and just retreated, like I said above. Really, I hid in the vacant rooms, stared out the window on a crowded bus while listening to music, or gazed into nothingness while on the train. All that time I could’ve been chatting and discussing the things I’ve wanted to discuss for a long time. But I couldn’t. I just wanted not to be around them. Sad isn’t? I feel sad about it now, when they are gone. The negative stimulus removed, the annoyance gone, and now I can see the intentions of good people who love us. This visit has left me feeling like maybe I don’t like anyone anymore. I’m starved for human closeness most of the year, yet when I get it I tire of it so fast. I just don’t understand.

6pm Friday

Was supposed to be sunny and 80 degrees today, but it wasn’t quite that bright nor so hot. Still, it’s only the second week of April and already it feels like late May. Looks like it too: All the trees have been tricked by the warm weather and everything is in full bloom. Overnight, color arrived in Korea.

I am now waiting for Dave to finish lifting so he can go for a jog, I for a walk. We both did some cleaning up earlier, but mostly we just lay like lumps enjoying the stillness. I’ve been eating my way through the packaged leftovers in the fridge and getting my internet fix. I slept until 10am this morning and even then I didn’t want to get out of bed, and I wouldn’t have if I didn’t have to pee so badly. I still have to catch up on the finances. I have to try and figure out on what and where the money went for the last week.