Guests in full force.

I was thinking today how intrusive families are. In fact, I thought I’ve never been part of a family in the ideal sense of the word. No siblings. One parent after three; none after ten. Just G-ma, who despite meddling somewhat pretty much gave me space.

I do appreciate space.

Being in a family means always doing for others, and often not by choice. One thing to be giving to who you want when you want to, a whole other thing when it’s obligation. And I mean "obligation" like when someone can just come in a room, interrupt whatever you’re doing, and command your time for some kind of task, physical or emotional. And they do it without the sort of graciousness even good friends maintain

Anyway, I’m tired. Somehow I’m the one stretched too thin. Been taking care of personal and household things after the bunch goes to bed. Since they go to bed early, they rise early too, and so must I. I’m not used to all the noises four new people in my house can make and even a deep sleeper like me gets sucked from bliss.

Otherwise the trip is going well. I’ve been enjoying showing the daily routine of our lives. Somehow it’s important for me that those I know continue to know me. And to really know me, you’d have to know what my life has been like these last two years, which, honestly, can’t even be attempted unless you’ve been here. So.

Friday I had another Korea "first" experience. Trying to coordinate three newbies getting off the bus, standing waiting for the bus to stop so we can roll off and this guy behind me decides to "hump" my leg. I couldn’t believe it; I was totally shocked and disgusted. I hate being the kind of person who can’t react when I’m surprised. I think of the appropriate response later, but when I see myself in surprise I am really just a deer in headlights. I hate that. Anyway, so this guy is humping my leg. What I mean by that is he’s standing behind me and a little to the left in line to get off the bus. He’s standing so close that every time the bus lurches (which is about once each second, like a pendulum on a clock), the guys genitals bump into my left thigh. That’s the gross thing: I could actually feel his genitals. At first I was just not noticing because it’s so typical to be shoved up against someone else in Korea because there just too little space for everyone. But this felt different. Probably the definite mash of penis against my thigh gave it away, huh? Well, this only happened for about 45 seconds or so. After the first 15 seconds I’m fending him back with my arm while still trying to hang on while the bus is moving and watch to make sure the three other people are OK. Well, my arm defense didn’t work, so I pushed back harder. The harder I pushed with my arm, the more he pushed. I thought about saying something, but then thought he wouldn’t understand or that it was too ambiguous because even though I’m describing it with certainty now, at the time I was still like, whoa, what the hell is this? Is this intentional? And I did think that maybe it wasn’t and if I hauled off and just yelled "Stop it!" at him it would create more problems. And what I mean by THAT is that the language barrier just makes good excuses for everyone. Anyway, the gist is that in the 45 seconds or so that this was happening I was just my usual paralyzed-by-surprise self. When I got off, I turned to watch the guy walk away. I felt disgusted. Really disgusted. And that surprised me too because I thought about how many times I’ve been shoved up against people in crowded subways and about how really there was all kinds of clothing in between and the time frame was really short. But still, the sickening was there and it was like that spot on my thigh was sending all kinds of signals to my brain and it wouldn’t let me forget it: I had this sort of mental blemish on my thigh. I didn’t mention to the others at first because I was too busy getting them pointed in the right direction and, honestly, because I was too stunned by my feeling of disgust. Seems like people who have been raped would feel that way, but not me in this situation. And where did those feelings come from anyway? Why was it so powerful? Powerful. You know I want to study power and its relationship to violence, sex, and women. I really do. I can’t understand in the least what would motivate someone to rub their penis against a stranger’s thigh on a lurching bus. What makes his violation so much more disturbing than other types of violations? In this country, I get touched all the time non-sexually and unsolicited. Ajumas picking hairs off of my coat, people pushing and shoving. I have been packed into a subway so tight that the strangers on all four sides are in a closer embrace with me than I’ve had with some of my dearest friends. So, why the disgust? It’s just a different body part. I guess I want to examine those feelings because they were so sudden and unexpected in response to such a quick incident, as if they were always there waiting for such a thing to happen: A predetermined reaction.

But I have moved on, just adding it to the short list of sexual violations I have accumulated throughout my life.

Signed on as visitors to Yongsan main post today. My tourist treat, I suppose. Just a few steps inside that gate and even the air smells different. People and buildings smell American. So much diversity among the people too. I felt odd. It was a strange place vaguely familiar but foreign; and I felt like a foreigner there too because I thought everyone knew I didn’t belong. Like, when I used to hang out at U of W when I was still in high school and I thought everyone knew I wasn’t a student.

It’s 9:30pm and everyone is asleep. Been run ragged. I wanted to write though, so I’m up but just barely. I’m totally tired from going to bed late and being woken up by early risers. I really don’t understand morning people. I thought Dave was one, but you know he doesn’t get up before 6am on his own. People who wake up naturally before 6am have some kind of defect I think. Anyway, when Dave gets up he’s quiet and that’s the most important thing.