That first day of a road trip is a blast-off outta there. The sky is long and blue, and it burns the craft and occupant nigh to combustion. At Coeur D'Alene, finally, some hint of extralocality. As you climb higher, into Montana, the cool distance slowly surrounds. Then it is just the gently turning beauty.

I'm in a tent in Rising Sun campground on the eastern edge of Glacier National Park, waiting for the grizzlies.

(C'mon, bear! Raaaaaar!)

Mostly it's just people, many more people than I expected. And rain. Tempests of it jammed against the western slopes. They hurl giant drops, which did a fairly fine job of cleaning the car. Montana, like Alaska, has that hugeness going on. The land dominates the weather such that even through the storms peaks soar—mammoth Montana peaks square and striated.

I'm here for my birthday. Last year I tried staying in town and doing just the friended get-together thing, but that was not enough. It lacked a generous time with which to notice the self and the rolling over of the dial to another number.

Click.

This year I'm sad. Down a little. I was SCIDing myself: In the past two weeks have you felt depressed most of the day nearly every day?

Well, when I've not been too busy to notice emotion, Yes.

On the road I'm having a harder time finding freedom. It's partly because I only have three days, surely.

Well, there's just no time for poetry. Poetry is for the idle. It must be for the young, who haven't reached self-sufficiency. Or it's for the ill. Even Rilke in the castle, benefacted to him, found poetry fleetingly. What chance have I?

It's not until the second day of a road trip, when you wake up in some place new and embark for places newer that you truly release the tether. This is truth.

I haven't written much about this because I haven't written much at all. But earlier this year I started making good on a path, instead of just contemplating one. (Isshokenme, "one - place - stake - one's - life") But, the imagining is always more pleasurable than the living, which you know.

I had been volunteering in the lab where I wanted to work and wooing a famous lab where there were actually paid positions. For months, the wooing: writing, following-up, saying the right things. By mid fall, I knew they wanted me. By winter, they had said as much. But then, a couple weeks later, a position became available in the lab where I was volunteering. That made two job offers. Two well-known research labs wanted me. Let's just record that.

Ah, but it's not important—only to those in that small circle, perhaps.

Of course, it was nice to me for a moment, and then I freaked out. I had to find a way to back out of one job while leaving all doors open. I consulted with others and worried and finally acted, accepting the 2nd offer. Then I moved on. That was December. I meant to record it then, but, you know.

Since February, I've been working full-time at the U and up to half-time for Microsoft. Between that and running, I don't watch TV, I hardly read, and I rarely see my friends.

When I started the job, it was like beginning a new love affair. I didn't need to sleep and I was giddy all the time. But that state was short-lived, and since then it's been bumpy. Taking a position well beneath your skill/pay level in academia, which still operates on the principles of indentured servitude, is demeaning. I need the Microsoft work just to help me keep perspective—that and because it pays three times as much. Also, our team is new. We are setting up a five-year NIMH R01 grant. The nature of the work and our relationships are evolving rapidly. It's hard to know how to work together; it's hard to know how this study will work.

I find the tasks tedious and, often, I find the people difficult. The culture is fear-driven, and it makes people act histrionically, unreasonably. I've never witnessed so much drama. All because of fear. Fear of what? Of a career-ending conflict or error. That's how narrow academia is.

At this point, I'm not sure I like psychology enough to do this. Much of psychology is poring over measures question by question: Does this assess the concept we want it to assess? It's building databases and cleaning data, field by field.

On the other hand, I got to go to Cleveland to be trained on the therapy we will conduct in the study. That was a big bonus, the training and meeting the person who developed the therapy. And, I enjoy reading the literature and the puzzles of putting together the poster presentations/papers I'm on, when I have the time to do it. Most of these publications will be presented at AABT in New Orleans in November. (Beignets for b-fast!)

I don't know.

I'm giving it a year. It's still early enough in the job that adjustment issues abound. But it's hard to sit in it. Because, if not this, then what?

Happy Birthday, You.