6.16.00

Not hearing from them hurts. It feels like they lied. Although I had been living lies, I wasn't lying to uphold a false promise. But they made a promise and yet I've not heard from them. He lied too, telling me he didn't tell. You know how I figured out the lie this time? He told me of another lie he told, one that was so outrageous and unnecessary and symptomatic of his usual self that I realized, after some thought, he'd lied to me too. Again. And I wonder about that kind of lying - the kind he does I mean - that useless and senseless lying to save face, to avoid the inconsequential conflict. Still defies ownership, it does. He learned it from her. She was the one who told of continuance and permanence. But now she is proved a hypocrite. Or, is her lie defensible by the contention that she is not abandoning herself? They all will not abandon themselves to dialogue with the anathema? I think more likely the lie keeps them from finding themselves. Their truth lies in mine and it is too fucking frightening. Better to condemn or just not talk anymore.

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