| 8.22.00 |
An exquisite summer day I never saw the morning and noon of but just the late afternoon length of it from the front door to the bus stop on 45th and from 45th to Brooklyn and saw just a bit of evening along that same stretch going the other way when the sun backlit those familiar peaks a softened purple that darkened violet by the time I reached the door. This head cold keeps me on foot and just the exposure to warm outside air engendered guilt at having passed such a glorious day indoors and an eagerness to get back on the bike. This head cold kept me home today, which, in truth, should've been yesterday because I wasn't better then but today was a more appropriate sick day because it wasn't only my head that was heavy. I'm able to work from home, which went well and which inspired a resolution to make good on that clause in my contract that allows for one day each week to be worked from home. I thought of taking advantage of being around the house to write a play-by-play, but other things became more important and the interruptive attention to a journal entry was too much to apply. From a friend's crisis I learned in full consciousness--not merely as comprehended by the intellect, that the impact of suffering experienced by every person is constant and ineluctable and that the psychological health of individuals only dictates long-term outcomes, not the experience of suffering itself. I realized the subtlest error in self-perception (my own mind tricking the rest of me) which was that I'd been knowing, despite thinking otherwise, but knowing that if I were a healthy person I could lessen the intensity of suffering I will experience in life. Tonight I know differently and the mind and soul finally concur on the matter: Anguish is universal and unpreventable and the nature of surviving it lies in psychic receptivity. This changes things. The moving date encroaches, tantalizingly slowly, and I find myself thinking up rituals by which to pass into this next way of living. Something that seems essential is to find new music, music resounding not of past or present love affairs or distant lonely and crowded places but untainted. I want something pure that will absorb the flavor of the house. |
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